Monday 1 June 2015

Aaaggghhhhhhhh

It's times like this when I need to write this blog to a) see if I'm the only person with a child like this?! 
B) whether I am actually going a little bit insane 
C) what to do about it! 
She is not napping..... I have to go to work I need to sleep as I'm doing a night shift. Iris has been awake since 7am she missed her normal nap time at 10am wasn't interested so at 12.50 she fell asleep in the car I had to wake her up after ten minutes because I couldn't carry the car seat in. I've tried getting her back to sleep since then and she categorically refuses, I've tried everything. I'm slowly losing the will to live.....
I'm exhausted as our night was bloody awful last night and I put that down to me being at work and Daddy putting her to bed. She is always like this with me and I barely get any sleep. Today I just want her to nap with me, we have done it hundreds of times but nope not on your life, no siree I'm not sleeping mummy. I'm exhausted, I'm clingy and grumpy but I'm not sleeping. So Mummy is sulking!

I don't know how to reason with a 13 month old? I don't know how to teach her right from wrong and I don't know how to teach her to sleep on her own, I wish I did! I feel bad that I've shouted at her but what else can I do?! 
Right now, I'm feeling so frustrated and sorry for myself because I really am 
tired. I get this feeling of failure of being a good mummy when things like this happen. I think she has pulled the wool over my eyes like a sucker but she is a year old, she doesn't know how to do manipulation yet? Does she?! I

There will be people shouting at me reading this saying of course she 
can.
 I find it hard to believe she hasn't mastered to say the word 'NO' or 'Naughty' yet they are by far the most used words in her vocabulary! 

Tuesday 19 May 2015

Superstar Baby!

Ok, so I think my baby has been swapped in the night, I mean she is not behaving at all like she used to...... SHE IS SLEEPING!!! Now there will be people rolling their eyes reading this saying, I told you so!
This change has come about since we took her off the boobage at night, I miss nothing about being frequently woken,  but the need is always nice, I feel loved.   There has been no night feeds for 20 days and daily feeds dwindling. The crux of it being I am not here at night so Daddy puts Iris to bed usually when I am at work. we are seeing 6 hours as a norm from 12-6 am usually, after 13 month's of disasterous sleep 6 is amazing.  
There have been a few changes Iris has adapted well to in the past two weeks. Nothing amazes me more than her resilience to adapt and adapt quick.
We went to Bristol for the weekend to visit family, it was staying in a house with Strangers to Iris, to be honest I thought Iris would be awful but she surprised us again! She slept terribly the 1st night as we arrived at 10.45pm but the next two nights over 8 hours straight! Woo hoo!! I think from having 1 nap and pure exhaustion she slept better.  She adapted to being in a strange house really well and loved seeing Aunty Sally and Uncle Andy by the time we left. 
We have gone down to only feeding at night and whilst I thought it was going to be a disaster, it's been successful. Yes she still wakes at night but no where near as much. My only slight issue.... When she wakes at like 6, I used to be able coax her back to sleep with a bit of boobie but now I'm not feeding her in the bedroom, I have to get up! 
I'm hoping this will improve. I'm so proud of how much she has adapted in the past few weeks and hopefully this is a sign of things to come :-)

Wednesday 13 May 2015

The stresses of being a night shift Mummy

I thought I had this night shift Malarky all sorted but today is proving to be hard work. I got home on Tuesday morning at 1 am, I went to sleep in the spare room as Iris was being good for Daddy and slept till 6.  Daddy got me up and then Iris woke at 6.30. I had one nap in the afternoon for an hour and then at 8 pm left for work. Iris slept really well sleeping from 7.30- 2.30 then till 5.30 till 7! Wish she would do this when I'm about.....anyway! I finished at 6.30am got on the 7.08 train back to Brighton and got on the connection. First hurdle of the day my connection does not go near my house so I have to walk 1.2 miles fine usually but I'm pretty tired by now! 
When I arrive home Iris is so pleased to see me and she wants Boobie of course as she has not had it for about 14 hours. My mum is on duty caring for her from 7. I've not long been in the door when she falls off the sofa! She then clings to me and my mum is trying to get her ready to go out so I can sleep. I finally get to rest at 9.45 and my mum comes back at 12.15 
I say to My mum has she has a sleep? 'No' she wouldn't go. Now Iris has nursery from 1 and because she is the life and soul of the social party going to sleep at nursery usually doesn't happen. I see that she has become a clingy grumpy mess and start to put her in the high chair for lunch when my mum says 'I don't think she will be hungry she has had quite a few chocolate buttons'. Now I'm thinking what am I going to do with her, in my head it was simple she was going to nursery for 1 and I was sleeping until 5 and then picking her up! 
I give Iris some proper food which, she does eat and then take her up stairs to change her nappy where she protests and screams. I find the biggest pooh explosionin her nappy into her vest and know now that is why she wasn't sleeping, I wouldn't be either! 
I eventually get her down at 1, I maybe have 30 minutes sleep before she wakes again at 2.15 and then it's off to nursery we go. By the time I get back it's almost 3, I have lunch as I'm hungry and try to sleep again by 4 I'm still wide awake wondering how today had gone so badly wrong when I had my mum and nursery booked! Finally my alarm Goes off at 5 no more resting for me as I collect Iris make her dinner, make us dinner, bath her and put her to bed ( well try). 
Since I refuse to feed her at night now she won't go down for me very easily and constantly plays up- it's majorly frustrating and it's like she knows that it annoys me and it's pay back for no Boobie. I even got her shaking her head from side to side tonight in some frenzy and I'm looking at her thinking does ADHD start this young?! 
Daddy comes and saves the day at 7.15 when I've shouted at her and had enough of her hyperactivity and need to get ready for work. 
Now here I am on the train again on my way to work with an even busier day on the cards tomorrow as Iris is at my Mum and Dads and I Have a hair appointment. I only hope my night tonight is not too busy but that is extremely unlikely! 

Saturday 9 May 2015

Snatched away from me

Should have known that a one off good nights sleep doesn't mean she will now spontaneously start sleeping 9 hours without waking! Last night every 2 hours awake and wanting to claw my chest or clamber on me- I thought I was dreaming it at first. I think this kind of torture is worse give me nine hours then nothing! It's been two days since I started writing this and she did a six hour stretch the night after 12-6 I think, find it hard to comprehend what's going on at silly o clock and having to look at the time doesn't come into it. Last night however, back to waking all the time and wanting me to hold her, she would not sleep when I put her down and all she wants to do is play with my nipple!?!!! 
As much as I love her,  this really is very annoying and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's all to do with it being a comfort but my boob is now a plaything. Whilst Breast feeding is something I have loved and found hard at times the nipple business I am not enjoying its painful and annoying. I think I've come along way since not feeding her now for 11 nights but backwards when she will Play with my nipple or try to get her hand down my top or go mad if I don't let her. I've got to nip (like my pun there) this in the 
bud! I think Iris would prefer to still be feeding lots but it's just not possible now with working. I feel she is growing up so fast in some respects but in others she is still such a baby. My little girl still needs me I hope sniff sniff! X

Thursday 7 May 2015

Fanfare, drum roll, flags out......!

PWell this has been a long time coming. It's ironic to think that I have spent months exhausted, crying into my pillow, walking round like a zombie, Listening to advice, trying to close my ears to advice, eating copious amounts of chocolate, swearing at people under my breathe if they dare mention the S word and all it really needed was for me to stop the one thing she loves 'the Boobie'. My current running sleep total asleep 7.10pm it's now 2.22 am STILL ASLEEP! 
I didn't want to say anything in case I jinx it but I've never had 7 hours straight before so I'm counting my blessings! 
Ok, so I fell back to sleep and woke again at 4 and she then woke up wanted Boobie but settled for water and went back down waking at 7! Er I'm not sure what happened, was she swapped in the night?! 
To say I'm relieved that she can actually do it is an under estimate but I'm more happy with work and not sleeping. 
Anyway,  I may be getting way ahead of myself here and this may be a fluke, so I better celebrate it whilst I'm feeling fresh as a daisy! 
Yesterday we wore Iris out at Monkey Bizness at Lewes she then fell asleep and had 1.10 min nap at 11.20 she woke had lunch went to play park, we then went food shopping. She had macaroni cheese and a yoghurt for dinner at 5. She then had some Breast milk and watched 'in the night garden' bedtime bath at 6.45 into bed, Daddy putting her to sleep and out for the count at 7.10! 
I had magnesium yesterday too, still don't know if they are helping but her sleep has been much better whilst on these. So all these combined factors, one nap, good food, worn out, no Breast milk and Magnesium may be the answer! 

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Good for Daddy

I've embarked on 4 nights of work this week, the last being Sunday.  In that time my husband has been the one to put her to bed. In the past she has majorly played up for him (when I have been at home) and I've had to take over in order to get her down.... This weekend a whole new story.
My little girl is understanding a little more each day and getting a little bit more grown up, sniff. According to Daddy She now crawls into her co sleeper and actually stays there and Daddy lays down with her and she may have a minutes cry then she is off to sleep! 
Blimey.... Why can't she just stay sleeping now? then our sleep issues are over?! Friday night a 6, yes 6 hour stretch of sleep for Daddy. I try not to get jealous of these stretches of sleep as I get 1.5 or 3 hours maximum. I think the boob is too tempting and definitely to blame but it's not available anymore, so hopefully she may stop waking to have it! 
Only time will tell. 
This week she has also gone to sleep for Grandma on the sofa when told to, I find this amazing as she usually fights sleep like no body's business.  I put Iris to bed Monday night after 4 nights in a row of Daddy putting her to bed and no Boobie.  It took me 15 minutes no Boobie a few tears but then on the co sleeper and off to sleep I couldn't quite believe it and felt smug that it was so 'easy'! Oh how wrong can I be? 
They love to lure you in under a false sense of security and make you believe you actually do have a knack at being a mother and then BAM.,,,,, wake at 10.30 screaming and basically in a tantrum because no Boobie was on offer for what seemed like hours! 
I'm at the point of exhaustion after the past 4 nights of no sleep, so I am in no mood for silly buggers and definitely not in any position for screaming babies trying to claw my boobies. I eventually get her off at some ungodly hour with no boob and she wakes again at 2.30. I feel like crying but, she doesn't cry for long and she is off to sleep again. At 4.30 the fun and games, begin well that's what Iris thought but for me I woke feeling like I had been run over and I wasn't up for playing! I pretty much know I have a battle on my hands when she wakes and starts talking. I find it amazing she can go from unconscious to awake in about  2 seconds flat. I tried getting her back to sleep but of course there is no Boobie on offer - so water and white noise is all she has. She tosses and turns and gives me hope she has fallen asleep, then just wakes right back up again. All I can say now is Daddy to the rescue! 

Saturday 2 May 2015

The rod on my back


I'm writing this on my way to work day three of four and day three of feeling sad about being away from Iris, mainly because I'm winding down the Breast feeding and by the time I finish all my shifts on Monday at 7am Breast feeding will pretty much be over, certainly for nighttime, but maybe in the day also. When I started this journey, I imagined at best I would do it for 3 months, 6 at a push. I never envisaged that I would love it so much and that I would have an incredible bond with my daughter that now I'm sad if it's over it will break. I'm proud of my 13 months of feeding and dread what my pancake boobs will look like, sigh. I think already they look like wrinkly old tea bags and I can't see them ever going back to how they was , to be honest they were never amazing, but if I could have a choice the not amazing boobs would be a better option right now. I will never be in a bikini again, but Breast feeding has probably done me a favour!
The last two days at work have made me reflect on my family and realize I'm very lucky and the love I have for Iris is immeasurable. 
Anyway let's get back to the title of my blog... The rod. This little saying was said to me the other day by a good friend of mine and it made me smile because all the time not knowing how to express what I was feeling she (my friend) got it in a nutshell. 
I'm a little bit annoyed by people's perceptions on Breast feeding,no no no I'm actually astounded by some. Apparently, I have made a rod for my own back by basically Breast feeding my baby on demand and allowing them to be happy in the comfort of their mother. I couldn't care less about any heavy Rods I may be carrying around. Being a mother means sacrifice and love and that's what I am doing. It's only for a very short period of time and I will be never get it back. I care that I don't sleep but I'm not exactly loosing sleep over it am I?! 
I'm going to try and not be a part of mum and dad groups on Facebook anymore because there are some idiots out there and I'm not sure I can keep my mouth shut for long. It's not only mum groups when you get other people raising eye brows at what is happening at home. 
Yes I co sleep with my daughter and have done for about 7 months, yes I still Breast feed her- I KNOW SHE IS NOT HUNGRY!, I do it because it's comforting to her, is that so wrong? 
I am slowing down on the feeding at night now but wanted to air that this is not because I want to, because I have to. I would happily still Breast feed her if I didn't work at night part time. 
There is another rod I've created though, one that is the most controversial issue of the baby world.... Cry it out. No, I have not left my baby to cry it out, I've left her to cry,  of course I have -she drives me nuts! But to cry on her own for hours on end with me popping in and out or not as the case may be, I have not. How I can make a rod for my own back on this one is beyond me. My child cries because she needs me or something so I'm going to go. Again if this rod is getting bigger, weighing me down, effecting my life, I am not bothered. The only thing bothering me right now is people telling me that!

Sunday 26 April 2015

It's all about the boob!

I had my first full night shift at work last week and my first full night away from Iris. In my head I thought she will be dreadful for Daddy come 4am when she tosses and turns for me on and off the boob she will do this for him, (obviously not on and off his boob) he will have a terrible night. 
Oh how wrong can I be? ......
She is put down on the co sleeper ( the bit she won't sleep on for me) by daddy at 7.30 I leave for work at 8. FIVE AND A HALF HOURS LATER SHE WAKES!!!!!!!! 1am that's right, 1 flaming am she wakes for Daddy. I was elated and gutted all in an instant. It doesn't stop there as she then does till 2.30-4.30 then up at 6.15. If you had given that night to me, I would have thought I had won the jackpot! As it happens as soon as I'm home here again for a night she wakes all the frigging time, this is getting me down. I should get it in my head now it's all about the Boobie and her frequency may diminish when it ends. I'm thinking about doing it now but definitely sure for next weekend as I'm working 4 nights in a row what can possibly go wrong?!
It is sad for me to think that the one thing I have been doing since she was Born is possibly the one thing that is making her sleep terrible. After last night being so frigging awful for sleep or lack of it. I swear someone was laughing at my expense last night. Iris has a cold and cough and so I was trying to get her to sleep propped up so she could breathe. I would manage this for about twenty minutes then she would cough and wake herself up and cry and move towards me. I would hold her try and get her back to sleep whilst sitting up and put her down she would wake again. By 3 am I hadn't slept and was getting really annoyed and was trying everything for her to stay asleep a little longer. I'm on the Internet trying to stay awake whilst Iris sleeps in my arms. At 5, I'm close to breaking point as I think she is asleep put her down and she wakes AGAIN AAGGGHHH! I give her some medicine as she is pulling her ears and she eventually drops off around 5.25. I settle down to get some sleep then I hear this beep. Listening as I'm not sure what it is I hear it again then again. Then I realize it's the fire alarm battery and it goes off every 40 seconds sigh. To top it off Daddy's alarm then goes off at 6.15 and Iris is up full of beans at 7. To say I was exhausted would be true. For the first time ever I put the TV on in our bedroom and put the side of the co sleeper on and let Iris watch a bit of cbeebies whilst I laid with my eyes shut for ten more minutes. I had to laugh as Iris leant through the bars and  pokes me in the face and then gets her sippy cup and bashes it against the railings until I get up! 
Daddy is putting her to bed tonight. I am sleeping away from the co sleeper 
and hope that it's no way near as bad and daddy can deal with the wake ups. I deserve a night off! 

Wednesday 15 April 2015

The Magic of Magnesium!!!

 In my quest to make my baby sleep (5) hours in a row that's all I ask, I've tried many different things. I have purchased pillows, travel cots, fleece blankets, fleeces, lavender oil, I've made a co sleeper, I've brought toys with lights and tags on them, I've tried dummies, bottles,  going to bed late, going to bed early, have a structured routine, having no routine, having no naps, sleeping in the car seat, on the couch, with blankets without blankets, hot aloe Vera stuff for feet, massage, hot water bottles, tea, walk before bedtime, bananas before bed, rusks, Weetabix. I could go on.... In this quest I have also spent a lot of time reading. I suppose you could say I'm a cause and effect type of girl. If something happens I like to think there is a reason behind it and with Iris not sleeping I like to think I will find a 'cure' and it won't be leaving her to cry. 
So in this quest I've been desperate, I've been exhausted, deluded, emotional, hyper and above all sleep deprived. With sleep deprivation comes consequences that I will try anything at any cost to 'make my baby sleep'. I've signed up to every website going offering help, they reel you in promising a five step plan or a new system of napping which makes you think oooh I haven't done that, it may work! They show you reviews and let you take part in forums and before you know it 'BAM' you've signed up for the £299 pound deal for a 20 minute phone call and an emailed sleep plan! 
I have done this been sucked in and spat out the other side, luckily for me one said she couldn't help because Iris was un-help able and the other was so extortionate that I just couldn't bring myself to do it without missing a few bills and having even more stress. I have guilt now I'm a mum you know. I won't tell you their names as I am a huge fan of one and have read her books and think she was nice not to take my money if she thinks she couldn't help. 
I do curse at these so called sleep expert websites though as they all do the same thing and that is prey on vulnerable people. 
This is why I started writing my blog and set up my face book page because I knew there are people out there just the same as me that have a child that sleeps poorly but have decided against CIO for what ever reason and are left to rot! 
I've been researching and found 'The Tiny Dreams Project' a new group set up to support people just like me who are stuck with a terrible choice or a terrible consequence. I have taken the consequence and I'm trying to to turn it into a positive by finding a 'cure' or answer to poor sleep habits. 
Something they posted this week that I have reposted on my Face book page may actually be working and that is the magic Magnesium! 
A mineral essential for our body to do all sorts of things is lacking in so many people and is causing sleep loss. Magnesium is prescribed for ADHD sufferers amongst others as it acts as a muscle relaxant. 
I read the article about people taking it to help stem frequent wake ups at night and thought I would give it a go. Is it a coincidence?! 
Iris went from 8 wake ups to 3 in one night and it continued into night two as well. The Kids sleep app I tracked the wake ups on and I couldn't believe my eyes when she went from 12-5 without waking twice in a row. The magic 5 hooray! I take the magnesium at 5pm with dinner and feed Iris at 7.30. I don't know if it's the Magnesiun or a coincidence but it has given me a little hope that she can sleep longer. Watch this space if it continues! 
The last two nights however, she has been bad because of teething with a temperature and rosy cheeks and has woken more frequently. As soon as her tooth erupts I'm hoping to see whether magic Magnesium does the trick again! If it does I will be singing it from the roof tops x 

Monday 13 April 2015

Wonder Week Leaps

Iris is currently in her programs leap and has roughly 2 weeks left. She is text book to these leaps and her sleep is effected every time as if it isn't disrupted enough. Last night, the night of her party you would think she would be exhausted with playing with her friends and being on the go all day but nope, it ain't happening and was by far one of the worst nights I've had in a while to get her to sleep. 
7pm she is bathed and ready for bed, brushed teeth, had medicine for toothy pegs as she keeps pulling ears. Dadda  read a story and she is moving about not staying still and I let it slide as it's still early. As I then try to get her down fun and games start. She is almost hyperactive if they could diagnose ADHD in babies I would have said last night she had it. I'm trying to think back to lunch and dinner, how many E numbers did she have or have I had something to make her hyper?! When I say hyper I mean hyper, her routine exactly the same every night and usually asleep by 7.30pm maximum tonight wait for it.... Drum roll 10pm! I'm not even joking, wish I was. I was exhausted! Three times I tried to put her down thinking she is drifting off to sleep then 'BAM' it's like someone has used a loud rabbit saying get up Iris, she rolls over and sits bolt upright. I can't quite believe my eyes and start to get a little bit annoyed repeating myself over and over again 'sleepy time'. She knows what it means but she is stubborn as a mule or in this case my husband and fights sleep like a trooper! Infuriating, yes, at the end of my tether? Definitely! Now what do I do? After the third attempt and she is not going down I lose my temper and place her in the cot and come down stairs. She starts crying after about two minutes and I think good maybe this will wear her out I will leave her there for a few minutes. My heart just can't do that and after a short time I'm back up stairs picking her up as she stands in her cot sobbing. I can not leave her to cry, just not for us as a family and I feel I'm being mean, after all she is a baby and she wants her mummy- this won't last forever.
Eventually after Boobie and lying down on the bed stroking her head she falls asleep. I'm thinking hooray at last! Alan is watching the golf on TV in the bedroom so I text a few people and read the Internet. I'm not even joking when I say that the second I roll over and close my eyes, she is awake AGAIN, it's been 20 minutes. I'm like dumbfounded- how can you not be tired? Exhausted? I'm hanging! Then I remember this is leap behavior and I've been here many times before and it's so wearing! 
The night is not too bad a few wake ups, twice I can get away with water the other times only Boobie will suffice. She wakes at 6am bright as a button!  I wake at 6am feeling like I've been run over by a truck and know I have to get up! Aaaggghh -sigh. How many days till the end of this leap ....16! 

Sunday 12 April 2015

Clingy bubba and birthday party

My last shift at work and I'm off late (again) thankfully I drove in but still didn't arrive home until 2.30am. All the time in my mind I'm playing out how tomorrow will go with Iris's 1st party looming, I've been looking forward to it for ages and want it to be perfect. 
I get home and find my little girl and husband asleep peacefully in bed. Then it dawns on me....where am I going to sleep?! She is in my spot in a star shape again, and all I can dream about is uninterrupted sleep! 
Alan wakes up and I am like 'where am I sleeping?' and he looks at me like I'm Mental, in here?! 
Er in the co sleeper cot?,cos that's what's left?! If I so much as lay a piece of skin on that co sleeper it creaks like it's going to collapse. Iris bounces and rolls about on it all day, not a sound heard. 

I get into bed finally just before 3, Iris wakes, I feed her and then she is on and off the boob, but I'm too tired. She did allow me to sleep until 6.30 when she randomly sits up and starts babbling. Daddy took her down stairs. I slept until 9.30, then it was all systems go. 
I felt like a zombie as it's not just a lack of sleep from three days of work it's exhaustion from still being a mum, concentrating all day at work, driving for hours and worrying about everything! 
I'm running round Packing toys, drinks, outfits ready, phone calls to parents and then we are off to the school hall. My sister kindly organized her school hall for the party (she is a teacher) and helped with food, as I logistically couldn't figure out how I was going to do it all. 
With decorations up the hall looked good and people arrived on time. A talented friend of mine made Iris's cake in the theme of 'in the night garden', it's actually amazing! I will post pictures below and it tastes great too. 
The party went well, Iris had 6 little friends come, 3 cousins and my Bestie's little girl too. Iris was very cranky however and I can only put that down to me being at work. She cried and whined and followed me round and wanting Breast feeding a lot.  In the past 3 days,  I've hardly seen her as I have been at home ten hours before going to work again and that includes time to sleep! 
I think this does effect her and she looks for me to pick her up all the time. There is nothing but guilt when I see her little face sad because mummy is going again but I have to work to pay the bills. 
Iris party was over in a flash I think she had a lovely time despite tears and then it's back home to normal routines until the big day on Wednesday. 

Friday 10 April 2015

Dr sleep App

Thought I would write another blog as I wait for my train home it's 00.44 and I have another hour before I'm home at least from work. I've really missed Iris today, I think today was the first day I actually wanted to cry when she went with Grandma and Grandad in the car. I had a real mixture of anxiety and sadness , think it may be just a mum thing but I can't help but think something is going to happen to her and I'm never going to see her again, and it fills me with dread. 

My day has been some what stressful with trying to organize everything before work. All I can say on the matter is that white noise works on me to make me sleep (honestly, I could probably sleep on a washing line) but this means I fall sleep on Iris's nap and wake up 40 minutes later having not got dressed or made my lunch and the in laws have turned up ! 
My week has been like ground hog day. Iris's sleep is like ground hog day.... Go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, wake up. I always have a tiny bit of hope that she may go to sleep and 7 hours later wake up ha ha!

I've been filling out the new sleep app connected to St Thomas hospital in London's sleep clinic. Hum, what do you want me to say about this?! As a vulnerable person ( I class myself as this because I am sleep deprived and make stupid decisions) I will listen and hold onto anything you give me in a glimmer of hope or a shed of light that they may be able to help me or solve the sleeping issues I have with Iris . Night one, I happily fill out the form -7 wake ups! 
Dr sleep advice 'Your child seems to be having short sleep cycles'! No shit Sherlock, jees I could write this bloody app if that's all you can tell me, I'm probably more qualified!
 Night two, 9 wake ups Dr Sleep says 'Your child is sleeping a little less than other children their age, this may change'. Not being funny, but I need to hear something I don't know and it's already changed ITS GOT WORSE!!! It's like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit!

Night 3, 4 wake ups! Yes that's right you heard it only 4!!!! Her average sleep time then increases to ten hours and she is classed as normal! Dr sleep tip for me  this night 'Try to ensure your child doesn't use electronic devices at least an hour before bedtime'. Er, she is 1 not 21! Honestly not helpful! 
Night 5, 5 wake ups and Dr Sleep app tip is 'it's taking a while for your child to settle. This is very common and it's often just a temporary thing. If it's getting worse or you are worried seek healthcare professionals advice'. 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but surely this is why I am down loading a sleep app?! Surely, I want the frequent wakings to stop and they have become more frequent which is why I am seeking your help!
So glad I didn't pay for this app I can tell you! I'm looking forward to more useful tips next week so that I can share them with you and you can feel as sorry for me as I do. 
I'm writing this Friday night into Saturday morning and Daddy had Iris this night  and her sleep has been off the scale of awful, so I'm not even going to fill it in, no point it won't tell me something I don't already know. 

Tuesday 7 April 2015

That's what best friends are for.....!

My night was ok, in the grand scheme of things I've had worse, but I can also hope for better. I breastfed Iris last night because she just wouldn't go to sleep and I got annoyed. I just want 5 minutes to myself and I don't even get that anymore. 
I fed her and put her in the middle of our bed with a lovely thick duvet (obviously observing the co sleeping rules) hoping she might sleep for a few hours. She slept from 8.15 till when I came to bed then she roused but went back to sleep. I then fed her I think around 11, then I misplaced my phone in the bed but believe Iris roused x2 more before 4 when she decided to be on permanent wake up. I tried everything to get her down but after she had bitten my nipple properly for the 1st time since having her teeth I took her off the boobie. Maybe this annoyed her, who knows?! but she can be very stubborn when she wants to be- some would say a bit like her father! A nappy change, boobie and two hours later we are back to sleep exhausted and awake at 8.15!  My only fear for this week is she will make a habit out of 4am and Thursday is work day! 

I've had a gorgeous day today with my 'Bestie' and her lovely little girl Sophie.
We went swimming at our local pool and Iris loved it. She screeched from being lifted up and down and had delight in her face from having her ears under water, truly lovely to see. She was also on top form being very loving giving kisses and not being a grump which,  meant that we all had a great day. 
 I enjoyed being out doing something different and catching up with my old buddy, old pal. My Bestie and I have been friends since we were 7,so 28 years now, it's a long time. It doesn't matter that we don't speak daily as as soon as we are back together we chat like we've never been apart. I was really pleased to hear that she reads and follows my blog. I'm no longer writing this and hoping someone reads it, I know that she does because she cares and I'm grateful to her, after all that's what best friends are for x

Monday 6 April 2015

Bank holiday weekend Blues


The Bank Holiday weekend is here but it feels like any other day to me. I'm starting to get a bit of cabin fever as I spend most of the weekend and my life in my bedroom either asleep or trying to get to sleep or trying to get Iris to sleep. I never thought I would get annoyed by this word, I never thought this word would take over my life, but it has and I wish it hadn't. 
Before having Iris, I was hardcore when it came to no sleep as my job was unpredictable and I worked a lot of hours. Sleep was second to my job and I coped fine with it, regularly doing 20 hour shifts with 4 hours sleep.
 My life has changed massively. Even when I was pregnant, I spent the 9 months feeling exhausted but towards the end, hardly sleeping because I was so anxious, nowadays I spend night after night being woken after 25 minutes, 1 hour, 3 hours sleep. it's so unpredictable it's a form Of torture. I think I would deal better with having none, than just drifting off and being woken for the umpteenth time.  My baby could wake me a hundred times a night however and I would still love her and be thankful for every day she is here. 

I'm currently filling out that Dr Kids Sleep App the one done by a London Hospital. I don't know what I was expecting really a magic cure, a name of a dysfunction to label my child's sleep or someone to tell me she is normal. At the moment it's highlighting the obvious to me, Iris average sleep 6.5 hours, Iris should be sleeping 10-15! What am I going to do about it? Cry?  get depressed? No, I'm going to read every article and book and speak to as many people as I can on sleep and try and get her out of this. I do believe it's a phase and she can be 'trained' when she is ready to go to sleep and wake not needing mummy but she isn't ready yet. Why should I expect her to be she is not even a year old. 
I'm sure amongst my friends there will be a few eyebrows raised that I am writing such a blog. It's not until you are In this situation that you realize just how important sleep is to just about everything. I try not to talk about it with people now as it bores the pants off of them and me. I always see it as a negative when infact a negative would be being born with a disability or disease. It should just be Iris is Iris, yes she doesn't sleep well but the love she has in her heart could fill a room and I'm the luckiest mum in the world to have her ❤️❤️❤️ xxx 

Saturday 4 April 2015

It's Saturday night 9.30 and I'm in bed

I'm feeling like its ground hog day and I'm getting cabin fever. Even at the weekend nothing changes, I'm seriously bored now. 
I never go anywhere or do anything mainly because I can't and I'm always exhausted, it's starting to wear now. 
Today, I got excited over an App released by a London hospital on sleep disorders, thinking they might be able to help. I have to input data and keep a sleep diary for so many nights before they can give me the low down on her sleep. 
I started the App at 7.15, 7.28 she falls asleep...7.35 she wakes up the App say's Short sleep cycle- you don't say! 
I lost my patience after her third wake up and restless tossing and turning, I told her I was going, saying 'night night' then she started crying. This part of the night drives me bonkers. She's exhausted rubbing her eyes, she is grumpy and has already been asleep, so why can't she just go to sleep?!!!!!! Aaaaggghh I will never understand it. 
I gave her some Bonjella and teething powders and tried to get her back down to no avail. The only thing she really wants is the Boob! Within seconds she is back to behaving and sleeping like a baby.  I'm annoyed as I am trying to wean her off of it, but blatantly she still needs it so I'm Not going to deprive
 her. Since then she has woken again, again inconsolable. She barely had an hour before more boob and asleep on me down stairs as another night in front of the TV with my husband is eliminated. So now we are all in bed at 9.30 on a weekend and I'm waiting for her to wake. She is asleep on the co sleeper and I'm wide awake writing this blog....it's only a matter of time before another wake up. When will this torture end?! 

This working malarkey will take time to adjust!

Well the Easter weekend is here and it is nice to see my husband for a few days, as I feel we are like ships that pass in the night. This week has been hard, I won't lie  and a challenge. It's all new the going out to work as well as being a mummy. I feel like I'm still a full time mum even though I work part time because no one does my job when I'm not there. There is still washing and organizing to be done, though the organizing part I'm rubbish at.  I've had two migraines this week through lack of sleep and it is truly awful when you head hurts so much you can't open your eyes, but you have to as you have a lively baby in your care. 
Iris has been very clingy and crying when I barely move, but she was good at nursery this week going to sleep for them. At night on Thursday night she was a challenge, as she barely slept and when she did she wanted me to either hold her or have boobie, I was exhausted hence the migraines.  She is in her leap at the mo which has never helped her sleep. 
I'm slowly running out of optimism and ideas on how to get her to sleep better and for the first time I feel a bit depressed about it all. 
There came a little hope reading about a new website coming called the 'The Tiny Dreams Project' who support sleep deprived parents on more gentler natural ways to get a baby to sleep. Hooray!  exactly what I wanted to do with my Facebook page. 

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Things don't go to plan when.....

The whole being back at work thing is new for us a family and Iris is adjusting to these changes well or so I thought. 
I arrived home last night at 12.30 trying to be as quiet as a mouse as I come in the front door. I can't hear anything so feel pleased that I may be able to get into bed and sleep before she wakes up. To my horror when I go upstairs not only is she awake she is lying in my spot on the bed. She may only be tiny but there is no room for me as she spreads out like a star fish and the glimmer of hope about a little uninterrupted sleep diminishes in a second .....and then she begins to CRY!!!!! I almost started with her as my neck hurt and I just wanted to lie down. Oh well,  I was very pleased to see her and gave her a big kiss. Of course she is not interested in kisses just boobie and pulls at my top and so it begins......
She was on the dam thing all night -yep she glugged her way through one moved over to the other and then stayed permanently attached and every time I tried to move her off there were tears. By 4.30, I wanted to cry having been awake and not slept! Iris didn't want white noise or a dummy or anything, nope just me. I understand it's  because she has missed me during the day but all I wanted was a little kip! 
My morning didn't get much better as we got up at 7. There I am desperately trying to have a few more minutes shut eye when my phone gets dropped on my face right on my chin. It bloody hurt I won't lie and then I'm awake and pretty grumpy until I see her beautiful face and that cheeky grin. We get up and have breakfast and in my head I'm thinking I will wear her out and we will be back in bed by 9.30 having a lovely long nap like yesterday. I couldn't be more wrong. Iris would not nap she wanted to play no matter how many times I put her on the boob or the White noise up, I closed my eyes just dropping off and bam she would just get up!!! It drove me bonkers and is a form Of mental torture when your tired. I lost my temper and shouted and got up leaving her in her cot for a few minutes not knowing what to do. On my fifth attempt I think and about 40 minutes later she finally goes to sleep and I drift off too waking 20 min later. I think I will take her off the boob now and we can have another 45 minutes and she instantly wakes up hysterical. Could I get her back to sleep? No. Was she a miserable crying mess from then on and wouldn't let me put her down?Yes. Was she tired- of course she was! This kind of behaviour just sends me over the edge when I'm exhausted and I start to go a bit bonkers. She spent the last 30 minutes with me crying and then I left for work and Aunty Jane had her for an hour before going to nursery. 
Good reports from Nursery today..... Guess what!?! She slept for them! 

Back to work I go

Dare I say my sleep wasn't too bad last night. Now to most people I would be describing a hideous night but to my like minded friends with babies that don't sleep, a child that wakes up around every  2.5 hours is something I can cope with and a pretty good night. Also I wasn't coughing,  so wasn't waking the poppet up. Last night she had a few sessions on the boob but not until 10.30 and the not sure what time after that.
Today she woke at 7.00 and was a happy lively bunny into everything and not staying still for a second. She was particularly loving today and wanted boobie a little more than usual.
 I also managed to get her to nap for 1.5 hours this morning. Usually I would be dancing round the house at such an achievement, but today I had limited time with her because I was working and so the longer she slept the less time I saw her before going to work 😔
Grandma has reported to me that Iris had been really good at theirs today and she was hyper and 'into everything' -yep that's my girl 😘 x

Sunday 29 March 2015

Weekends are for resting

Weekend is here and there is a house full of illness;1 sigh. Luckily Iris is relatively well compared to her poor mum who is barking like a dog coughing and has lungs that feel like they are on fire. Daddy also has a cold, so of course he has man flu and it's much worse than my chest infection!
I took Iris to a 1st birthday party for one of her NCT friends, we had a lovely time. It was hard work however; Iris is like a whirlwind and the life and soul of the party.  She is into everything lol and not even walking! The party was in a hall with hundreds of toys available to play with. Iris had a couple of favourites, the ball pit, the Tikes Cosy car and the slide. When it came to eating; Iris wanted it on the go or not at all. She then decided stealing other babies food either out of their hands or off their plates was much better taking a nibble then throwing it over her shoulder! Honestly not sure where she gets her table manners from!
My chest was hurting from talking and running after her and after about the tenth time of rescuing her from trying to climb up the slide the wrong way we went home but not before sampling a piece of yummy cake.
Iris received her first party bag (mummy totally excited about this) and starts to think of ideas for Iris's party In two weeks time. 
Once I was home, I realised how I had over done it and Daddy took Iris to see Grandma for a few hours. 
I watched Fortitude (love this) and laid on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. 
Last night was again not great at all. Iris went to sleep by 7.30 again holding dummy and listening to white noise. The White noise stopped working and she woke up about an hour later :-( she then was really restless and woke twice more before I went to bed at 9.30- yes even on a weekend! I'm far too exhausted with my chest infection to stay up and watch rubbish tv. 
I slept, Iris woke, I coughed my guts up Iris and Daddy woke, I slept,  Iris woke  and this is how my night went and I was so fed up by 1, I tried to sleep in spare room and Iris then realised I wasn't there and starts crying! Aaaggghh. Of course then the clocks change and I feel like I've lost a whole lot more than 1 hour. Iris decided she wanted to get up at 4 again, I don't know why?! I managed to get her back to sleep about 6 and we slept till 8.30. Iris up for the day and full of beans! Mummy up for the day and exhausted. :-( daddy feeling poorly so not much fun here today! Think it will be a day of rest and more antibiotics ho hum! X 

Friday 27 March 2015

Only 3 more days till I'm back to work again sniff :-(

Well the cough is well and truly putting a spanner in the works here. It's me not Iris, it's all lovely and quiet then boom my cough erupts which wakes the entire nation. Our night was average: asleep in my arms again just holding the dummy and no Boobie since her afternoon nap! She falls asleep quickly with white noise and I put her down in the co sleeper.  Her cough wakes her three times before I get into bed at 9, then I'm coughing and on the internet updating my face book page. I eventually get to sleep after feeding her about ten thirty and she wakes before 12,2 and decides Boobie, water and white noise at 4am isn't enough she wants to get up 😩 after keeping me awake till 5.30!!!!! My husband takes her downstairs then and I cough my way back to sleep and she comes back up to me at 7. The picture below is what she is doing now! Why not earlier?! I will never know x

Wednesday 25 March 2015

Day 333 in the Trussler household


So Iris decided it was time to get up about 6.40 today, not too bad I suppose. She sleeps in a co sleeper attached to our bed, as the cot to her has become somewhere she doesn't feel safe and no matter how much I try to force it, she doesn't sleep well there at all. So for my sanity about 5 months ago I got my Dad to help me and he converted a cot and attached it to our bed, it's been the best thing for not going bonkers (although some may say it's too late). 

Last night asleep by 7.40 and woke 25 minutes later then woke again before I could get my sorry arse to bed. Daddy went into her but nope only mummy will do as she is 'the working Cow' lol. I'm trying to wean her at the moment....hum, how is that going?! 
Some days good, some days bad. I have managed to get her to sleep now after months of sitting in the rocking chair by just being in my arms. She now holds a dummy she doesn't suck and never has and she just closes her eyes and goes to sleep! No boobie amazingly, but white noise is played very loud to the tune of rain or a vacuum cleaner. She listens to it, zones out and is off to the land of nod. I'm working towards laying her down and being able to get her to sleep with the dummy and the noise without me. I know this will not stop her from waking as I have managed something similar in the cot, only to then have multiple wake
 ups.  The only thing worth a try which I haven't done since she was born is to wean her. She sometimes gets to 1 or 2 without having a melt down for boob, but tonight she got to 9 ( from 5.30). After she was fed she didn't wake again until 23.55 for boobie, at this point very tired, I fed her again but when she woke at 3, I tried to keep her off the boob, turning the White noise up and changing the sound and giving her dummy and water. It worked she went back to sleep on and off but not for long resorting in me feeding her around 4.30. This made her then go through till about 6 and in my last ditch attempt to keep her asleep a bit longer offered boob again and white noise up and she made it to 6.40. This was a good night for her. Waking x2 before I went to bed and then waking at 11.55,3 a few times from 3-4 then at 4.30,6 and finally getting up at 6.40. 
Today we have a busy morning:
Off to Slimming World for my weekly sanity check, pop into see Grandma on the way back and then Iris is in nursery. This gives me a few hours to catch up
On things.... It actually gives me a few hours to buy a magazine and go and get a coffee and sit and have a quiet rest for a while. I get in trouble often for not doing anything...the truth is I can't be arsed to clean or put washing on. Today, I have to get my bike fixed ready for work next week. I have to do this today 😞
Hope you have a good day ❤️

Tuesday 24 March 2015

Quick overview

For those of you that don't know me my blog won't make much sense.
Quick catch up:
Iris is now 11 months old since she was about 3 1/2 months old she has been frequently waking at night. A good night may be 5 wake ups and a particularly bad; I think I noted 15! 
Anyway,  she does suffer a bit from Silent Reflux and I think this has helped her sleep suffer. I also believe that she is Breast fed and again this doesn't help sleep but is definitely the best thing for her and I love every minute of it.
My role as mummy since this has started happening was to help make her sleep longer and be comfortable so I try things out and believe there is a solution somewhere just haven't found it yet!
 I'm not after much, 5 hours would suit me but I'm not even close; with 3 being a usual and 45 minutes the norm. In my book, there is no such thing as sleeping through the night! 
Despite these frequent wakings Iris is a delight and full of energy- she wears me out everyday! I'm not bitter about her not sleeping well, I just want what's best for her development and everywhere you look sleep seems to be key. 
There are very few websites out there to support mums who are sleep deprived without wanting your money!
I need to dump my thoughts and funny stories down or else I might go a tad insane,  whilst I'm on this journey with Iris as I don't get a lot back (conversation wise) from her and the people who know me well, know I LOVE TO TALK!!!

Day 332 in the Trussler household


 Well? Tonight Daddy is sleeping in the spare room so Iris and I have the lovely King Sized bed all to ourselves. 
I am super tired today, feeling wired surviving on less than 4 hours sleep after getting in at 2.15am from a late shift at work and Iris deciding to get up at 6.30! 
She did have a nap for over two hours in the morning, but I only managed a nap of half of this as was too busy watching 24 hours in A&E, I'm addicted! 
No more naps after the two hours from 9-11 oh no that's far too much to ask especially when mummy keeps yawning. 
Sigh!
So last nights sleep as far as I'm concerned for me :-super! I can't remember waking up but had child attached to my boob when I did open my eyes, so guessing my plan of weaning went out the window at some point in the night. I might add before I got into bed around 9, Iris had done 5 wake ups- just to keep me on my toes and 
the lbs off! 
Her new thing this week is holding a dummy which she has never accepted and falls asleep in my arms?! Even does this for Daddy! Does this stop her frequent wake ups?! nope!

Sunday 8 March 2015

Introducing me x

Well here I am 11 months into being a  Mummy and writing my first blog.....I have lots to tell you in the hope that in return you will follow me and offer your support, tips, guidance, humour and sanity!!
I'm a 35 year old mummy to one fiesty little girl called Iris. I'm on maternity leave and soon to be returning part time, I've spent the best part of 11 months awake with my daughter whom doesn't sleep ( well not like you and I). I need to write this just to feel normal and like I can talk to someone because Iris isn't answering and probably is sick to death of my voice!

Iris was born back in April 2014, she was a perfect, 7lb 9 baby albeit a bit quick (7 hour labour) and she came into our lives and the roller coaster began.
Not being a mummy before everything was new, she was tiny, I was Breast feeding, sore, tired and to be honest bloody terrified of pretty much everything, especially that she would die. Is it normal to keep checking if they are breathing? I was so worried I had Iris on an Angel Care Monitor in her Moses basket from day 1.  I suppose this is when the sleep deprivation began for me and it's never stopped. Not for lack of trying I can tell you...

Iris started not sleeping. I think I noticed it around month 3 when people started saying those dreaded words 'my child slept 7 hours, my baby slept through the night' etc etc Yada yada yada. I don't want to hear it!
Iris has never slept more than a few hours the most she ever did once was 7 hours and a complete fluke and never to be repeated again. At around 12 Weeks she was diagnosed with Silent Reflux as she kept doing some very strange things at night and having terrible hiccups and burping. At night after feeding she would wake up  after making noises and crying.  Her sleep went to 45 minutes naps and trying to get her to sleep during the day was an impossible task. Things have come a long way since then, except Iris still is not sleeping.  How can this be?
If there is a gimmick out there remotely linked to sleep I'm on it. If there is a herbal remedy, a toy, pillow, onesie, food, drink, sleeping ritual out there that may and I mean MAY help Iris to sleep I'm
Interested and I want it yesterday. I have tried so many things and had many many disappointing set backs and so I thought I would write this blog detailing my roller coaster nights and sleep deprivation and what gimmicks I have tried and products tested so that people suffering the same as us can stop wasting their money!
 I'm writing this blog to save my sanity!