Sunday 26 April 2015

It's all about the boob!

I had my first full night shift at work last week and my first full night away from Iris. In my head I thought she will be dreadful for Daddy come 4am when she tosses and turns for me on and off the boob she will do this for him, (obviously not on and off his boob) he will have a terrible night. 
Oh how wrong can I be? ......
She is put down on the co sleeper ( the bit she won't sleep on for me) by daddy at 7.30 I leave for work at 8. FIVE AND A HALF HOURS LATER SHE WAKES!!!!!!!! 1am that's right, 1 flaming am she wakes for Daddy. I was elated and gutted all in an instant. It doesn't stop there as she then does till 2.30-4.30 then up at 6.15. If you had given that night to me, I would have thought I had won the jackpot! As it happens as soon as I'm home here again for a night she wakes all the frigging time, this is getting me down. I should get it in my head now it's all about the Boobie and her frequency may diminish when it ends. I'm thinking about doing it now but definitely sure for next weekend as I'm working 4 nights in a row what can possibly go wrong?!
It is sad for me to think that the one thing I have been doing since she was Born is possibly the one thing that is making her sleep terrible. After last night being so frigging awful for sleep or lack of it. I swear someone was laughing at my expense last night. Iris has a cold and cough and so I was trying to get her to sleep propped up so she could breathe. I would manage this for about twenty minutes then she would cough and wake herself up and cry and move towards me. I would hold her try and get her back to sleep whilst sitting up and put her down she would wake again. By 3 am I hadn't slept and was getting really annoyed and was trying everything for her to stay asleep a little longer. I'm on the Internet trying to stay awake whilst Iris sleeps in my arms. At 5, I'm close to breaking point as I think she is asleep put her down and she wakes AGAIN AAGGGHHH! I give her some medicine as she is pulling her ears and she eventually drops off around 5.25. I settle down to get some sleep then I hear this beep. Listening as I'm not sure what it is I hear it again then again. Then I realize it's the fire alarm battery and it goes off every 40 seconds sigh. To top it off Daddy's alarm then goes off at 6.15 and Iris is up full of beans at 7. To say I was exhausted would be true. For the first time ever I put the TV on in our bedroom and put the side of the co sleeper on and let Iris watch a bit of cbeebies whilst I laid with my eyes shut for ten more minutes. I had to laugh as Iris leant through the bars and  pokes me in the face and then gets her sippy cup and bashes it against the railings until I get up! 
Daddy is putting her to bed tonight. I am sleeping away from the co sleeper 
and hope that it's no way near as bad and daddy can deal with the wake ups. I deserve a night off! 

Wednesday 15 April 2015

The Magic of Magnesium!!!

 In my quest to make my baby sleep (5) hours in a row that's all I ask, I've tried many different things. I have purchased pillows, travel cots, fleece blankets, fleeces, lavender oil, I've made a co sleeper, I've brought toys with lights and tags on them, I've tried dummies, bottles,  going to bed late, going to bed early, have a structured routine, having no routine, having no naps, sleeping in the car seat, on the couch, with blankets without blankets, hot aloe Vera stuff for feet, massage, hot water bottles, tea, walk before bedtime, bananas before bed, rusks, Weetabix. I could go on.... In this quest I have also spent a lot of time reading. I suppose you could say I'm a cause and effect type of girl. If something happens I like to think there is a reason behind it and with Iris not sleeping I like to think I will find a 'cure' and it won't be leaving her to cry. 
So in this quest I've been desperate, I've been exhausted, deluded, emotional, hyper and above all sleep deprived. With sleep deprivation comes consequences that I will try anything at any cost to 'make my baby sleep'. I've signed up to every website going offering help, they reel you in promising a five step plan or a new system of napping which makes you think oooh I haven't done that, it may work! They show you reviews and let you take part in forums and before you know it 'BAM' you've signed up for the £299 pound deal for a 20 minute phone call and an emailed sleep plan! 
I have done this been sucked in and spat out the other side, luckily for me one said she couldn't help because Iris was un-help able and the other was so extortionate that I just couldn't bring myself to do it without missing a few bills and having even more stress. I have guilt now I'm a mum you know. I won't tell you their names as I am a huge fan of one and have read her books and think she was nice not to take my money if she thinks she couldn't help. 
I do curse at these so called sleep expert websites though as they all do the same thing and that is prey on vulnerable people. 
This is why I started writing my blog and set up my face book page because I knew there are people out there just the same as me that have a child that sleeps poorly but have decided against CIO for what ever reason and are left to rot! 
I've been researching and found 'The Tiny Dreams Project' a new group set up to support people just like me who are stuck with a terrible choice or a terrible consequence. I have taken the consequence and I'm trying to to turn it into a positive by finding a 'cure' or answer to poor sleep habits. 
Something they posted this week that I have reposted on my Face book page may actually be working and that is the magic Magnesium! 
A mineral essential for our body to do all sorts of things is lacking in so many people and is causing sleep loss. Magnesium is prescribed for ADHD sufferers amongst others as it acts as a muscle relaxant. 
I read the article about people taking it to help stem frequent wake ups at night and thought I would give it a go. Is it a coincidence?! 
Iris went from 8 wake ups to 3 in one night and it continued into night two as well. The Kids sleep app I tracked the wake ups on and I couldn't believe my eyes when she went from 12-5 without waking twice in a row. The magic 5 hooray! I take the magnesium at 5pm with dinner and feed Iris at 7.30. I don't know if it's the Magnesiun or a coincidence but it has given me a little hope that she can sleep longer. Watch this space if it continues! 
The last two nights however, she has been bad because of teething with a temperature and rosy cheeks and has woken more frequently. As soon as her tooth erupts I'm hoping to see whether magic Magnesium does the trick again! If it does I will be singing it from the roof tops x 

Monday 13 April 2015

Wonder Week Leaps

Iris is currently in her programs leap and has roughly 2 weeks left. She is text book to these leaps and her sleep is effected every time as if it isn't disrupted enough. Last night, the night of her party you would think she would be exhausted with playing with her friends and being on the go all day but nope, it ain't happening and was by far one of the worst nights I've had in a while to get her to sleep. 
7pm she is bathed and ready for bed, brushed teeth, had medicine for toothy pegs as she keeps pulling ears. Dadda  read a story and she is moving about not staying still and I let it slide as it's still early. As I then try to get her down fun and games start. She is almost hyperactive if they could diagnose ADHD in babies I would have said last night she had it. I'm trying to think back to lunch and dinner, how many E numbers did she have or have I had something to make her hyper?! When I say hyper I mean hyper, her routine exactly the same every night and usually asleep by 7.30pm maximum tonight wait for it.... Drum roll 10pm! I'm not even joking, wish I was. I was exhausted! Three times I tried to put her down thinking she is drifting off to sleep then 'BAM' it's like someone has used a loud rabbit saying get up Iris, she rolls over and sits bolt upright. I can't quite believe my eyes and start to get a little bit annoyed repeating myself over and over again 'sleepy time'. She knows what it means but she is stubborn as a mule or in this case my husband and fights sleep like a trooper! Infuriating, yes, at the end of my tether? Definitely! Now what do I do? After the third attempt and she is not going down I lose my temper and place her in the cot and come down stairs. She starts crying after about two minutes and I think good maybe this will wear her out I will leave her there for a few minutes. My heart just can't do that and after a short time I'm back up stairs picking her up as she stands in her cot sobbing. I can not leave her to cry, just not for us as a family and I feel I'm being mean, after all she is a baby and she wants her mummy- this won't last forever.
Eventually after Boobie and lying down on the bed stroking her head she falls asleep. I'm thinking hooray at last! Alan is watching the golf on TV in the bedroom so I text a few people and read the Internet. I'm not even joking when I say that the second I roll over and close my eyes, she is awake AGAIN, it's been 20 minutes. I'm like dumbfounded- how can you not be tired? Exhausted? I'm hanging! Then I remember this is leap behavior and I've been here many times before and it's so wearing! 
The night is not too bad a few wake ups, twice I can get away with water the other times only Boobie will suffice. She wakes at 6am bright as a button!  I wake at 6am feeling like I've been run over by a truck and know I have to get up! Aaaggghh -sigh. How many days till the end of this leap ....16! 

Sunday 12 April 2015

Clingy bubba and birthday party

My last shift at work and I'm off late (again) thankfully I drove in but still didn't arrive home until 2.30am. All the time in my mind I'm playing out how tomorrow will go with Iris's 1st party looming, I've been looking forward to it for ages and want it to be perfect. 
I get home and find my little girl and husband asleep peacefully in bed. Then it dawns on me....where am I going to sleep?! She is in my spot in a star shape again, and all I can dream about is uninterrupted sleep! 
Alan wakes up and I am like 'where am I sleeping?' and he looks at me like I'm Mental, in here?! 
Er in the co sleeper cot?,cos that's what's left?! If I so much as lay a piece of skin on that co sleeper it creaks like it's going to collapse. Iris bounces and rolls about on it all day, not a sound heard. 

I get into bed finally just before 3, Iris wakes, I feed her and then she is on and off the boob, but I'm too tired. She did allow me to sleep until 6.30 when she randomly sits up and starts babbling. Daddy took her down stairs. I slept until 9.30, then it was all systems go. 
I felt like a zombie as it's not just a lack of sleep from three days of work it's exhaustion from still being a mum, concentrating all day at work, driving for hours and worrying about everything! 
I'm running round Packing toys, drinks, outfits ready, phone calls to parents and then we are off to the school hall. My sister kindly organized her school hall for the party (she is a teacher) and helped with food, as I logistically couldn't figure out how I was going to do it all. 
With decorations up the hall looked good and people arrived on time. A talented friend of mine made Iris's cake in the theme of 'in the night garden', it's actually amazing! I will post pictures below and it tastes great too. 
The party went well, Iris had 6 little friends come, 3 cousins and my Bestie's little girl too. Iris was very cranky however and I can only put that down to me being at work. She cried and whined and followed me round and wanting Breast feeding a lot.  In the past 3 days,  I've hardly seen her as I have been at home ten hours before going to work again and that includes time to sleep! 
I think this does effect her and she looks for me to pick her up all the time. There is nothing but guilt when I see her little face sad because mummy is going again but I have to work to pay the bills. 
Iris party was over in a flash I think she had a lovely time despite tears and then it's back home to normal routines until the big day on Wednesday. 

Friday 10 April 2015

Dr sleep App

Thought I would write another blog as I wait for my train home it's 00.44 and I have another hour before I'm home at least from work. I've really missed Iris today, I think today was the first day I actually wanted to cry when she went with Grandma and Grandad in the car. I had a real mixture of anxiety and sadness , think it may be just a mum thing but I can't help but think something is going to happen to her and I'm never going to see her again, and it fills me with dread. 

My day has been some what stressful with trying to organize everything before work. All I can say on the matter is that white noise works on me to make me sleep (honestly, I could probably sleep on a washing line) but this means I fall sleep on Iris's nap and wake up 40 minutes later having not got dressed or made my lunch and the in laws have turned up ! 
My week has been like ground hog day. Iris's sleep is like ground hog day.... Go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, wake up. I always have a tiny bit of hope that she may go to sleep and 7 hours later wake up ha ha!

I've been filling out the new sleep app connected to St Thomas hospital in London's sleep clinic. Hum, what do you want me to say about this?! As a vulnerable person ( I class myself as this because I am sleep deprived and make stupid decisions) I will listen and hold onto anything you give me in a glimmer of hope or a shed of light that they may be able to help me or solve the sleeping issues I have with Iris . Night one, I happily fill out the form -7 wake ups! 
Dr sleep advice 'Your child seems to be having short sleep cycles'! No shit Sherlock, jees I could write this bloody app if that's all you can tell me, I'm probably more qualified!
 Night two, 9 wake ups Dr Sleep says 'Your child is sleeping a little less than other children their age, this may change'. Not being funny, but I need to hear something I don't know and it's already changed ITS GOT WORSE!!! It's like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit!

Night 3, 4 wake ups! Yes that's right you heard it only 4!!!! Her average sleep time then increases to ten hours and she is classed as normal! Dr sleep tip for me  this night 'Try to ensure your child doesn't use electronic devices at least an hour before bedtime'. Er, she is 1 not 21! Honestly not helpful! 
Night 5, 5 wake ups and Dr Sleep app tip is 'it's taking a while for your child to settle. This is very common and it's often just a temporary thing. If it's getting worse or you are worried seek healthcare professionals advice'. 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but surely this is why I am down loading a sleep app?! Surely, I want the frequent wakings to stop and they have become more frequent which is why I am seeking your help!
So glad I didn't pay for this app I can tell you! I'm looking forward to more useful tips next week so that I can share them with you and you can feel as sorry for me as I do. 
I'm writing this Friday night into Saturday morning and Daddy had Iris this night  and her sleep has been off the scale of awful, so I'm not even going to fill it in, no point it won't tell me something I don't already know. 

Tuesday 7 April 2015

That's what best friends are for.....!

My night was ok, in the grand scheme of things I've had worse, but I can also hope for better. I breastfed Iris last night because she just wouldn't go to sleep and I got annoyed. I just want 5 minutes to myself and I don't even get that anymore. 
I fed her and put her in the middle of our bed with a lovely thick duvet (obviously observing the co sleeping rules) hoping she might sleep for a few hours. She slept from 8.15 till when I came to bed then she roused but went back to sleep. I then fed her I think around 11, then I misplaced my phone in the bed but believe Iris roused x2 more before 4 when she decided to be on permanent wake up. I tried everything to get her down but after she had bitten my nipple properly for the 1st time since having her teeth I took her off the boobie. Maybe this annoyed her, who knows?! but she can be very stubborn when she wants to be- some would say a bit like her father! A nappy change, boobie and two hours later we are back to sleep exhausted and awake at 8.15!  My only fear for this week is she will make a habit out of 4am and Thursday is work day! 

I've had a gorgeous day today with my 'Bestie' and her lovely little girl Sophie.
We went swimming at our local pool and Iris loved it. She screeched from being lifted up and down and had delight in her face from having her ears under water, truly lovely to see. She was also on top form being very loving giving kisses and not being a grump which,  meant that we all had a great day. 
 I enjoyed being out doing something different and catching up with my old buddy, old pal. My Bestie and I have been friends since we were 7,so 28 years now, it's a long time. It doesn't matter that we don't speak daily as as soon as we are back together we chat like we've never been apart. I was really pleased to hear that she reads and follows my blog. I'm no longer writing this and hoping someone reads it, I know that she does because she cares and I'm grateful to her, after all that's what best friends are for x

Monday 6 April 2015

Bank holiday weekend Blues


The Bank Holiday weekend is here but it feels like any other day to me. I'm starting to get a bit of cabin fever as I spend most of the weekend and my life in my bedroom either asleep or trying to get to sleep or trying to get Iris to sleep. I never thought I would get annoyed by this word, I never thought this word would take over my life, but it has and I wish it hadn't. 
Before having Iris, I was hardcore when it came to no sleep as my job was unpredictable and I worked a lot of hours. Sleep was second to my job and I coped fine with it, regularly doing 20 hour shifts with 4 hours sleep.
 My life has changed massively. Even when I was pregnant, I spent the 9 months feeling exhausted but towards the end, hardly sleeping because I was so anxious, nowadays I spend night after night being woken after 25 minutes, 1 hour, 3 hours sleep. it's so unpredictable it's a form Of torture. I think I would deal better with having none, than just drifting off and being woken for the umpteenth time.  My baby could wake me a hundred times a night however and I would still love her and be thankful for every day she is here. 

I'm currently filling out that Dr Kids Sleep App the one done by a London Hospital. I don't know what I was expecting really a magic cure, a name of a dysfunction to label my child's sleep or someone to tell me she is normal. At the moment it's highlighting the obvious to me, Iris average sleep 6.5 hours, Iris should be sleeping 10-15! What am I going to do about it? Cry?  get depressed? No, I'm going to read every article and book and speak to as many people as I can on sleep and try and get her out of this. I do believe it's a phase and she can be 'trained' when she is ready to go to sleep and wake not needing mummy but she isn't ready yet. Why should I expect her to be she is not even a year old. 
I'm sure amongst my friends there will be a few eyebrows raised that I am writing such a blog. It's not until you are In this situation that you realize just how important sleep is to just about everything. I try not to talk about it with people now as it bores the pants off of them and me. I always see it as a negative when infact a negative would be being born with a disability or disease. It should just be Iris is Iris, yes she doesn't sleep well but the love she has in her heart could fill a room and I'm the luckiest mum in the world to have her ❤️❤️❤️ xxx 

Saturday 4 April 2015

It's Saturday night 9.30 and I'm in bed

I'm feeling like its ground hog day and I'm getting cabin fever. Even at the weekend nothing changes, I'm seriously bored now. 
I never go anywhere or do anything mainly because I can't and I'm always exhausted, it's starting to wear now. 
Today, I got excited over an App released by a London hospital on sleep disorders, thinking they might be able to help. I have to input data and keep a sleep diary for so many nights before they can give me the low down on her sleep. 
I started the App at 7.15, 7.28 she falls asleep...7.35 she wakes up the App say's Short sleep cycle- you don't say! 
I lost my patience after her third wake up and restless tossing and turning, I told her I was going, saying 'night night' then she started crying. This part of the night drives me bonkers. She's exhausted rubbing her eyes, she is grumpy and has already been asleep, so why can't she just go to sleep?!!!!!! Aaaaggghh I will never understand it. 
I gave her some Bonjella and teething powders and tried to get her back down to no avail. The only thing she really wants is the Boob! Within seconds she is back to behaving and sleeping like a baby.  I'm annoyed as I am trying to wean her off of it, but blatantly she still needs it so I'm Not going to deprive
 her. Since then she has woken again, again inconsolable. She barely had an hour before more boob and asleep on me down stairs as another night in front of the TV with my husband is eliminated. So now we are all in bed at 9.30 on a weekend and I'm waiting for her to wake. She is asleep on the co sleeper and I'm wide awake writing this blog....it's only a matter of time before another wake up. When will this torture end?! 

This working malarkey will take time to adjust!

Well the Easter weekend is here and it is nice to see my husband for a few days, as I feel we are like ships that pass in the night. This week has been hard, I won't lie  and a challenge. It's all new the going out to work as well as being a mummy. I feel like I'm still a full time mum even though I work part time because no one does my job when I'm not there. There is still washing and organizing to be done, though the organizing part I'm rubbish at.  I've had two migraines this week through lack of sleep and it is truly awful when you head hurts so much you can't open your eyes, but you have to as you have a lively baby in your care. 
Iris has been very clingy and crying when I barely move, but she was good at nursery this week going to sleep for them. At night on Thursday night she was a challenge, as she barely slept and when she did she wanted me to either hold her or have boobie, I was exhausted hence the migraines.  She is in her leap at the mo which has never helped her sleep. 
I'm slowly running out of optimism and ideas on how to get her to sleep better and for the first time I feel a bit depressed about it all. 
There came a little hope reading about a new website coming called the 'The Tiny Dreams Project' who support sleep deprived parents on more gentler natural ways to get a baby to sleep. Hooray!  exactly what I wanted to do with my Facebook page. 

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Things don't go to plan when.....

The whole being back at work thing is new for us a family and Iris is adjusting to these changes well or so I thought. 
I arrived home last night at 12.30 trying to be as quiet as a mouse as I come in the front door. I can't hear anything so feel pleased that I may be able to get into bed and sleep before she wakes up. To my horror when I go upstairs not only is she awake she is lying in my spot on the bed. She may only be tiny but there is no room for me as she spreads out like a star fish and the glimmer of hope about a little uninterrupted sleep diminishes in a second .....and then she begins to CRY!!!!! I almost started with her as my neck hurt and I just wanted to lie down. Oh well,  I was very pleased to see her and gave her a big kiss. Of course she is not interested in kisses just boobie and pulls at my top and so it begins......
She was on the dam thing all night -yep she glugged her way through one moved over to the other and then stayed permanently attached and every time I tried to move her off there were tears. By 4.30, I wanted to cry having been awake and not slept! Iris didn't want white noise or a dummy or anything, nope just me. I understand it's  because she has missed me during the day but all I wanted was a little kip! 
My morning didn't get much better as we got up at 7. There I am desperately trying to have a few more minutes shut eye when my phone gets dropped on my face right on my chin. It bloody hurt I won't lie and then I'm awake and pretty grumpy until I see her beautiful face and that cheeky grin. We get up and have breakfast and in my head I'm thinking I will wear her out and we will be back in bed by 9.30 having a lovely long nap like yesterday. I couldn't be more wrong. Iris would not nap she wanted to play no matter how many times I put her on the boob or the White noise up, I closed my eyes just dropping off and bam she would just get up!!! It drove me bonkers and is a form Of mental torture when your tired. I lost my temper and shouted and got up leaving her in her cot for a few minutes not knowing what to do. On my fifth attempt I think and about 40 minutes later she finally goes to sleep and I drift off too waking 20 min later. I think I will take her off the boob now and we can have another 45 minutes and she instantly wakes up hysterical. Could I get her back to sleep? No. Was she a miserable crying mess from then on and wouldn't let me put her down?Yes. Was she tired- of course she was! This kind of behaviour just sends me over the edge when I'm exhausted and I start to go a bit bonkers. She spent the last 30 minutes with me crying and then I left for work and Aunty Jane had her for an hour before going to nursery. 
Good reports from Nursery today..... Guess what!?! She slept for them! 

Back to work I go

Dare I say my sleep wasn't too bad last night. Now to most people I would be describing a hideous night but to my like minded friends with babies that don't sleep, a child that wakes up around every  2.5 hours is something I can cope with and a pretty good night. Also I wasn't coughing,  so wasn't waking the poppet up. Last night she had a few sessions on the boob but not until 10.30 and the not sure what time after that.
Today she woke at 7.00 and was a happy lively bunny into everything and not staying still for a second. She was particularly loving today and wanted boobie a little more than usual.
 I also managed to get her to nap for 1.5 hours this morning. Usually I would be dancing round the house at such an achievement, but today I had limited time with her because I was working and so the longer she slept the less time I saw her before going to work 😔
Grandma has reported to me that Iris had been really good at theirs today and she was hyper and 'into everything' -yep that's my girl 😘 x