Aaaggghhhhhhhh

It's times like this when I need to write this blog to a) see if I'm the only person with a child like this?! 

B) whether I am actually going a little bit insane 

C) what to do about it! 

She is not napping..... I have to go to work I need to sleep as I'm doing a night shift. Iris has been awake since 7am she missed her normal nap time at 10am wasn't interested so at 12.50 she fell asleep in the car I had to wake her up after ten minutes because I couldn't carry the car seat in. I've tried getting her back to sleep since then and she categorically refuses, I've tried everything. I'm slowly losing the will to live.....

I'm exhausted as our night was bloody awful last night and I put that down to me being at work and Daddy putting her to bed. She is always like this with me and I barely get any sleep. Today I just want her to nap with me, we have done it hundreds of times but nope not on your life, no siree I'm not sleeping mummy. I'm exhausted, I'm clingy and grumpy but I'm not sleeping. So Mummy is sulking!

I don't know how to reason with a 13 month old? I don't know how to teach her right from wrong and I don't know how to teach her to sleep on her own, I wish I did! I feel bad that I've shouted at her but what else can I do?! 

Right now, I'm feeling so frustrated and sorry for myself because I really am 

tired. I get this feeling of failure of being a good mummy when things like this happen. I think she has pulled the wool over my eyes like a sucker but she is a year old, she doesn't know how to do manipulation yet? Does she?! I

There will be people shouting at me reading this saying of course she 

can.

 I find it hard to believe she hasn't mastered to say the word 'NO' or 'Naughty' yet they are by far the most used words in her vocabulary! 

Superstar Baby!

Ok, so I think my baby has been swapped in the night, I mean she is not behaving at all like she used to...... SHE IS SLEEPING!!! Now there will be people rolling their eyes reading this saying, I told you so!
This change has come about since we took her off the boobage at night, I miss nothing about being frequently woken,  but the need is always nice, I feel loved.   There has been no night feeds for 20 days and daily feeds dwindling. The crux of it being I am not here at night so Daddy puts Iris to bed usually when I am at work. we are seeing 6 hours as a norm from 12-6 am usually, after 13 month's of disasterous sleep 6 is amazing.  
There have been a few changes Iris has adapted well to in the past two weeks. Nothing amazes me more than her resilience to adapt and adapt quick.
We went to Bristol for the weekend to visit family, it was staying in a house with Strangers to Iris, to be honest I thought Iris would be awful but she surprised us again! She slept terribly the 1st night as we arrived at 10.45pm but the next two nights over 8 hours straight! Woo hoo!! I think from having 1 nap and pure exhaustion she slept better.  She adapted to being in a strange house really well and loved seeing Aunty Sally and Uncle Andy by the time we left. 

We have gone down to only feeding at night and whilst I thought it was going to be a disaster, it's been successful. Yes she still wakes at night but no where near as much. My only slight issue.... When she wakes at like 6, I used to be able coax her back to sleep with a bit of boobie but now I'm not feeding her in the bedroom, I have to get up! 

I'm hoping this will improve. I'm so proud of how much she has adapted in the past few weeks and hopefully this is a sign of things to come :-)

The stresses of being a night shift Mummy

I thought I had this night shift Malarky all sorted but today is proving to be hard work. I got home on Tuesday morning at 1 am, I went to sleep in the spare room as Iris was being good for Daddy and slept till 6.  Daddy got me up and then Iris woke at 6.30. I had one nap in the afternoon for an hour and then at 8 pm left for work. Iris slept really well sleeping from 7.30- 2.30 then till 5.30 till 7! Wish she would do this when I'm about.....anyway! I finished at 6.30am got on the 7.08 train back to Brighton and got on the connection. First hurdle of the day my connection does not go near my house so I have to walk 1.2 miles fine usually but I'm pretty tired by now! 

When I arrive home Iris is so pleased to see me and she wants Boobie of course as she has not had it for about 14 hours. My mum is on duty caring for her from 7. I've not long been in the door when she falls off the sofa! She then clings to me and my mum is trying to get her ready to go out so I can sleep. I finally get to rest at 9.45 and my mum comes back at 12.15 

I say to My mum has she has a sleep? 'No' she wouldn't go. Now Iris has nursery from 1 and because she is the life and soul of the social party going to sleep at nursery usually doesn't happen. I see that she has become a clingy grumpy mess and start to put her in the high chair for lunch when my mum says 'I don't think she will be hungry she has had quite a few chocolate buttons'. Now I'm thinking what am I going to do with her, in my head it was simple she was going to nursery for 1 and I was sleeping until 5 and then picking her up! 

I give Iris some proper food which, she does eat and then take her up stairs to change her nappy where she protests and screams. I find the biggest pooh explosionin her nappy into her vest and know now that is why she wasn't sleeping, I wouldn't be either! 

I eventually get her down at 1, I maybe have 30 minutes sleep before she wakes again at 2.15 and then it's off to nursery we go. By the time I get back it's almost 3, I have lunch as I'm hungry and try to sleep again by 4 I'm still wide awake wondering how today had gone so badly wrong when I had my mum and nursery booked! Finally my alarm Goes off at 5 no more resting for me as I collect Iris make her dinner, make us dinner, bath her and put her to bed ( well try). 

Since I refuse to feed her at night now she won't go down for me very easily and constantly plays up- it's majorly frustrating and it's like she knows that it annoys me and it's pay back for no Boobie. I even got her shaking her head from side to side tonight in some frenzy and I'm looking at her thinking does ADHD start this young?! 

Daddy comes and saves the day at 7.15 when I've shouted at her and had enough of her hyperactivity and need to get ready for work. 

Now here I am on the train again on my way to work with an even busier day on the cards tomorrow as Iris is at my Mum and Dads and I Have a hair appointment. I only hope my night tonight is not too busy but that is extremely unlikely! 

Snatched away from me

Should have known that a one off good nights sleep doesn't mean she will now spontaneously start sleeping 9 hours without waking! Last night every 2 hours awake and wanting to claw my chest or clamber on me- I thought I was dreaming it at first. I think this kind of torture is worse give me nine hours then nothing! It's been two days since I started writing this and she did a six hour stretch the night after 12-6 I think, find it hard to comprehend what's going on at silly o clock and having to look at the time doesn't come into it. Last night however, back to waking all the time and wanting me to hold her, she would not sleep when I put her down and all she wants to do is play with my nipple!?!!! 

As much as I love her,  this really is very annoying and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's all to do with it being a comfort but my boob is now a plaything. Whilst Breast feeding is something I have loved and found hard at times the nipple business I am not enjoying its painful and annoying. I think I've come along way since not feeding her now for 11 nights but backwards when she will Play with my nipple or try to get her hand down my top or go mad if I don't let her. I've got to nip (like my pun there) this in the 

bud! I think Iris would prefer to still be feeding lots but it's just not possible now with working. I feel she is growing up so fast in some respects but in others she is still such a baby. My little girl still needs me I hope sniff sniff! X

Fanfare, drum roll, flags out......!

PWell this has been a long time coming. It's ironic to think that I have spent months exhausted, crying into my pillow, walking round like a zombie, Listening to advice, trying to close my ears to advice, eating copious amounts of chocolate, swearing at people under my breathe if they dare mention the S word and all it really needed was for me to stop the one thing she loves 'the Boobie'. My current running sleep total asleep 7.10pm it's now 2.22 am STILL ASLEEP! 

I didn't want to say anything in case I jinx it but I've never had 7 hours straight before so I'm counting my blessings! 

Ok, so I fell back to sleep and woke again at 4 and she then woke up wanted Boobie but settled for water and went back down waking at 7! Er I'm not sure what happened, was she swapped in the night?! 

To say I'm relieved that she can actually do it is an under estimate but I'm more happy with work and not sleeping. 

Anyway,  I may be getting way ahead of myself here and this may be a fluke, so I better celebrate it whilst I'm feeling fresh as a daisy! 

Yesterday we wore Iris out at Monkey Bizness at Lewes she then fell asleep and had 1.10 min nap at 11.20 she woke had lunch went to play park, we then went food shopping. She had macaroni cheese and a yoghurt for dinner at 5. She then had some Breast milk and watched 'in the night garden' bedtime bath at 6.45 into bed, Daddy putting her to sleep and out for the count at 7.10! 

I had magnesium yesterday too, still don't know if they are helping but her sleep has been much better whilst on these. So all these combined factors, one nap, good food, worn out, no Breast milk and Magnesium may be the answer! 

Good for Daddy

I've embarked on 4 nights of work this week, the last being Sunday.  In that time my husband has been the one to put her to bed. In the past she has majorly played up for him (when I have been at home) and I've had to take over in order to get her down.... This weekend a whole new story.

My little girl is understanding a little more each day and getting a little bit more grown up, sniff. According to Daddy She now crawls into her co sleeper and actually stays there and Daddy lays down with her and she may have a minutes cry then she is off to sleep! 

Blimey.... Why can't she just stay sleeping now? then our sleep issues are over?! Friday night a 6, yes 6 hour stretch of sleep for Daddy. I try not to get jealous of these stretches of sleep as I get 1.5 or 3 hours maximum. I think the boob is too tempting and definitely to blame but it's not available anymore, so hopefully she may stop waking to have it! 

Only time will tell. 

This week she has also gone to sleep for Grandma on the sofa when told to, I find this amazing as she usually fights sleep like no body's business.  I put Iris to bed Monday night after 4 nights in a row of Daddy putting her to bed and no Boobie.  It took me 15 minutes no Boobie a few tears but then on the co sleeper and off to sleep I couldn't quite believe it and felt smug that it was so 'easy'! Oh how wrong can I be? 

They love to lure you in under a false sense of security and make you believe you actually do have a knack at being a mother and then BAM.,,,,, wake at 10.30 screaming and basically in a tantrum because no Boobie was on offer for what seemed like hours! 

I'm at the point of exhaustion after the past 4 nights of no sleep, so I am in no mood for silly buggers and definitely not in any position for screaming babies trying to claw my boobies. I eventually get her off at some ungodly hour with no boob and she wakes again at 2.30. I feel like crying but, she doesn't cry for long and she is off to sleep again. At 4.30 the fun and games, begin well that's what Iris thought but for me I woke feeling like I had been run over and I wasn't up for playing! I pretty much know I have a battle on my hands when she wakes and starts talking. I find it amazing she can go from unconscious to awake in about  2 seconds flat. I tried getting her back to sleep but of course there is no Boobie on offer - so water and white noise is all she has. She tosses and turns and gives me hope she has fallen asleep, then just wakes right back up again. All I can say now is Daddy to the rescue! 

The rod on my back

I'm writing this on my way to work day three of four and day three of feeling sad about being away from Iris, mainly because I'm winding down the Breast feeding and by the time I finish all my shifts on Monday at 7am Breast feeding will pretty much be over, certainly for nighttime, but maybe in the day also. When I started this journey, I imagined at best I would do it for 3 months, 6 at a push. I never envisaged that I would love it so much and that I would have an incredible bond with my daughter that now I'm sad if it's over it will break. I'm proud of my 13 months of feeding and dread what my pancake boobs will look like, sigh. I think already they look like wrinkly old tea bags and I can't see them ever going back to how they was , to be honest they were never amazing, but if I could have a choice the not amazing boobs would be a better option right now. I will never be in a bikini again, but Breast feeding has probably done me a favour!

The last two days at work have made me reflect on my family and realize I'm very lucky and the love I have for Iris is immeasurable. 

Anyway let's get back to the title of my blog... The rod. This little saying was said to me the other day by a good friend of mine and it made me smile because all the time not knowing how to express what I was feeling she (my friend) got it in a nutshell. 

I'm a little bit annoyed by people's perceptions on Breast feeding,no no no I'm actually astounded by some. Apparently, I have made a rod for my own back by basically Breast feeding my baby on demand and allowing them to be happy in the comfort of their mother. I couldn't care less about any heavy Rods I may be carrying around. Being a mother means sacrifice and love and that's what I am doing. It's only for a very short period of time and I will be never get it back. I care that I don't sleep but I'm not exactly loosing sleep over it am I?! 

I'm going to try and not be a part of mum and dad groups on Facebook anymore because there are some idiots out there and I'm not sure I can keep my mouth shut for long. It's not only mum groups when you get other people raising eye brows at what is happening at home. 

Yes I co sleep with my daughter and have done for about 7 months, yes I still Breast feed her- I KNOW SHE IS NOT HUNGRY!, I do it because it's comforting to her, is that so wrong? 

I am slowing down on the feeding at night now but wanted to air that this is not because I want to, because I have to. I would happily still Breast feed her if I didn't work at night part time. 

There is another rod I've created though, one that is the most controversial issue of the baby world.... Cry it out. No, I have not left my baby to cry it out, I've left her to cry,  of course I have -she drives me nuts! But to cry on her own for hours on end with me popping in and out or not as the case may be, I have not. How I can make a rod for my own back on this one is beyond me. My child cries because she needs me or something so I'm going to go. Again if this rod is getting bigger, weighing me down, effecting my life, I am not bothered. The only thing bothering me right now is people telling me that!